Panic and fear. These are two monumental words and emotions. It begins with the slight feeling of elevated sensitivity. The knot there in the pit of your stomach is getting bigger once again. We can feel it creep in to all of our beings. It's just a little tension that won't go away. It's the nagging feeling of the heart beating just a bit faster. Hold on, everything is beginning to move faster now. Muscles are tensing, thoughts are starting to get the best of us, and a sense of frustration is now predominant to the point that anything we try does nothing but make everything worse.

Panic and fear live hand in hand. When the panic creeps in, fear isn't far behind. Conversely, when we are frightened panic soon emerges. My question is, which emotion causes the other. Does panic cause fear or does fear cause panic? It depends on the issue. It depends on the person. This is the psychological version of “What came first, the chicken or the egg?”

Are panic and fear rational emotions? To those of us that experience them, these emotions are more than real. They are rational. These two words are not only a part of us, fear and panic are us.

In my case, I now believe I have lived with these two little words most of my life. In my younger days I was brave and could conquer the world. I did. I was scared shitless every day. That's why I drank. Liquid courage. If I consumed enough, the panic I felt when I talked to a girl was a direct result of the fear of talking to that girl.  If I didn't consume, I didn't talk.  Made for some interesting conversations over the course of my life. 

I always worried about not being included and noticed by my peers. I took part in the conversations but never had much to contribute. It took me too long to put ideas together to impact the think tank. By the time I spoke the rest of the group was always two topics away from mine. Plus, I usually had really weird ideas. Eventually, I developed a fear of speaking.

I don't debate or handle confrontation well. I tried to call in sick from school once, when I knew I had to debate a topic that I knew nothing about. I was panicking over this event and panic led to outright fear. Whenever I knew a confrontation was coming I acted tough. Truth be known, I was shaking in my sneakers. I was afraid of the upcoming situation and panicked to the point of playing out the scenario over and over, figuring out what to say. It never worked. I was taken advantage of over and over.

Panic and fear are present in all aspects of our lives. Fear and panic seems to have ruled my life.  I intend to break past this debilitating trait of mine. These two words have controlled me. I made it farther in life than I should have. I refuse to let fear and panic control me any longer. I refuse to succumb to a life of misery because of fear and panic.

Hello, welcome to my morning. It's been interesting and panic filled so far.

I hope you don't mind my telling of this. I seem to annoy a lot of people when I relay information.

I think that writing is the distraction I need this morning.

I woke up about an hour ago, bouncing out of bed. It seems my body was coiled waiting for action. Keep in mind that over my lifetime I always woke much earlier and with a purpose every morning.

Get up, get clean, then drag myself to work. Every day I did this. It's called muscle memory.

I raced out of bed and lumbered to the kitchen as fast as my not quite awake brain would let me.

It was a bit foggy inside. I looked around impatiently for whatever I was looking for.

My body was still coiled. My mind wasn't reacting well to this. I didn't realize it just then but

I could mentally feel the panic setting in. I paced back and forth a couple times, focusing on nothing in particular. The more I paced the faster I got and the more I looked.

I could feel my brain warming up and starting to spin the thoughts around.

I've often described them as spinning around inside my head, not quite being able to get out.

I finally, after much time and pondering have a more precise description.

My thoughts are spinning. The pattern is not random. I am a linear thinker.

Even though they are spinning in a circle, they are still going in a straight line.

My thoughts are spinning as if they were in a centrifuge.

A very fast spin cycle centrifuge.

I think it would be easier with the random pattern. I could scoop them up with a bucket.

With a centrifuge, you can't use a bucket. You have to snap your hand out there

grab a memory on the fly and then pull it back in without disturbing others.

For a good visual example, stand up straight in any large sized room. Now image the tumbler of a commercial clothes drying machine is lowered around you, stopping at head height.

You are looking directly into the centrifuge. You are looking at all of your thoughts and memories. The basket begins to spin, slowly at first but increasing speed dramatically.

Any direction you turn, your thoughts are in front of you trying to fly away with the centrifugal force pushing them and spinning at the same time. Stick your hand in there. Be quick and precise.

Pull up 1966.

And this is only the first five minutes.

Diary of a Big Dummy

The days are getting longer. Soon the snow will melt. Spring green up will be in full swing and welcome after a long hard winter. Kitty is still taking a break, we are talking and have visited. That's a positive!

The Coronavirus Social Distancing experiment is in full force, even in Alaska. Our little village is no exception. It's a ghost town. The gas station and the liquor store are open. They are essential. There is very little traffic. The senior center is closed. You can still get lunch but now have to call ahead and drive up for curb service. Meals on wheels is still rolling too. It's great they have been able to do this.

So, what am I doing with my time now? A lot of pacing. I am a bundle of nervous energy with a dog that is very bored. He's sleeping on his couch now. We still go to the campground every day. I try and make several trips. We may not be in the trailer anymore but we're still caretakers. Besides, Norm gets to run. He still takes his job as head of security seriously. We can walk the snow machine trail without falling through and the snow doesn't hurt my dead feet.

Besides this, I sit. I think, about my life in the past and all of the different events that have led me to this point of here and now.

It's a really hard thing to do but if I want to make myself better, it is a must.

I'm finding that I do not like looking in the mirror.

Forcing these memories to the surface in detail is an exhausting task. Analyzing these situations with what I have learned about my mental health is both difficult and frightening. I have good memories but by and large, I was my own worst enemy over the course of my life and my career.

I had just finished up my time with the aerial construction company. I'd been with them 10 years and I was burned out. I had turned myself into the go to guy out of sheer determination. I was still young in the industry, had energy, and was learning my trade well. We were working harder and longer trying to keep a failing company afloat. It is unfortunate but I left this company on bad terms. I should have handled the situation more diplomatically but I was tired and I snapped. I refused to see the company's position, only mine. I had no empathy for another crisis they were in. I was angry to be called on yet again. 

 Be careful working your way into the go to guy slot.

It is a double edged sword.

My drinking career was in full swing.

I was no longer needed.

I wanted a beer.

I hired on with a small but growing airplane repair center. They maintained privately owned piston airplanes but were trying to work into the business jet market. I had been a helicopter mechanic since my career started, I knew nothing about airplanes. The two are very different.

I was was ready for a new challenge, I was eager and ready to learn. I got my chance and had a good start. I learned the basics quickly and was moved into working on larger, more in depth projects. I tried. I worked my tail off. I was still one of the first ones to show in the mornings and last to leave at night. I kept up with the guys with more experience. My problem was that I never really understood airplanes. I didn't like them. I couldn't learn the systems fast enough. I never really gained confidence in myself at this company. I asked too many questions but couldn't make good decisions. I relied on others to think for me on processes I didn't understand. I had to be shown different techniques time after time. I even managed to start a fire underneath a twin engine airplane. In short, I was not a good airplane mechanic.

One of the mechanics there was a sharp guy. He knew aviation, he knew airplanes, project organization, and how to manage multiple large inspections and repairs. We were acquaintances. I didn't work with him often. I guess that at some point he saw my inadequacies. He started making off handed comments to me. There was no taking me under his wing and helping. It was always about survival of the fittest.

For the longest time, I didn't realize I was being looked down on. The type comments he made either went over my head or I didn't know how to respond. He worked his way through the ranks and different departments. He never stayed anywhere long, he continued to move up.

Eventually he became director of maintenance. He was the guy to run the entire maintenance department. He was the boss.

That's when the names began.

My new name was Big Dummy.

I started hearing it more often.

It was at that point he showed that he didn't like me.

I still didn't understand the social aspects of work.

I didn't realize I was that poor of a technician there.

What I did know was that I didn't like airplanes.

I worked hard but lost ground.

I wanted desperately to be working on helicopters again.

I heard Big Dummy several times over the next months without knowing how to respond.

I left another job.

I wanted a beer.

When I make my posts on social media, I notice that I receive sad faces.

If you have made it this far, please don't feel sad for me.

It has been a lifetime of events that have landed me in my situation.

I can't correct them.

The only thing I can do is look back and try to understand them.

I can try to learn how different actions and emotions

could have affected my life for the better.

For me, drudging up these memories is a good exercise

to learn who and what I am.
Besides, I get to see and show old pictures!

The ability to move to a new way of being

First requires a new way of thinking

Ahhh, The Fraternity Life

Just Straight Talk

Van Halen

It's always there, lurking in the background. Deep in the shadows there is a shape. Very faint but the outline is there. I can almost feel the distant pulse it emits. I call to it but get no response. Then, out of nothing a glimmer of movement. Slowly the shape turns to reveal empty eyes. They are far off and distant. The shape is receding. A memory is leaving.

This is how my mind feels trying to remember my past. The only thing I seem to have is right here and now. I am able to laser focus and pinpoint specific events in my mind. I cannot however, recall 99% of the music I listened to. Music was my life. I was a walking, talking, and annoying rock n roll trivia machine. My whole life I knew every song that came on the radio. I knew the bands, I knew the band members. I knew if the song was rock or pop and if the rhythms were intricate or pounding. I knew when to turn it up. Kitty always wanted to take me to a Vegas rock trivia night. I guess that would made me a rock n roll Rain Man. This is merely an autistic joke. No offense intended. I can't recall most of it. These days there are three or four bands I remember and half a dozen songs I listen to. I don't recall much more from that life. The black shape I've been seeing out of the corner of my eye is a shadow people. A memory fading. Far off and distant. The shape is receding. Another memory gone.

Here's another laser focus exercise. It was a marching band trip. Three buses full. High school. Our bus had an 8 track player. I was on the bus early. I intended it this way. I was first in line to put my tape in that player. It was party time. Time to get pumped for our gig. All the other kids got on the bus and heard Van Halen's 'Eruption' and 'Running With The Devil' with the volume knob turned up to 11. It was awesome. It was brand new and cool. This was the newest super group. They rocked. One of the girls asked me to please change the music.

This beautiful and patriotic lithograph is the last project Kitty and I were working on when we had to leave Fairbanks. I held on to it with the intention of finishing it at a later time. That time is now. It seems that mentally I couldn't do much anymore.

As is the ArcticArtique tradition of reycle, repurpose, reuse a cast off yet stylish picture frame accents this priceless World War II era advertising lithograph for Avenue “U” Wine and Liquor Store. The patriotic background is fabric styled to look like 4^th of July bunting. Someone's holiday tablecloth was discarded when the party was finished. The field of stars is from the same cloth. Front and back are both protected by layers of a clear polyurethane resin.

The back has a few blemishes. Dog fur, a couple air bubbles left, and my thumb and palm prints which are a unique way to leave my signature for this piece. That's okay. This piece has purpose and I just had to finish it. My mind needed it. This will not be for sale. How do you put a price on history such as this. I have a very special place in mind to display this unique piece of my soul. Now, I understand what she meant.