Panic and fear. These are two monumental words and emotions. It begins with the slight feeling of elevated sensitivity. The knot there in the pit of your stomach is getting bigger once again. We can feel it creep in to all of our beings. It's just a little tension that won't go away. It's the nagging feeling of the heart beating just a bit faster. Hold on, everything is beginning to move faster now. Muscles are tensing, thoughts are starting to get the best of us, and a sense of frustration is now predominant to the point that anything we try does nothing but make everything worse.

Panic and fear live hand in hand. When the panic creeps in, fear isn't far behind. Conversely, when we are frightened panic soon emerges. My question is, which emotion causes the other. Does panic cause fear or does fear cause panic? It depends on the issue. It depends on the person. This is the psychological version of “What came first, the chicken or the egg?”

Are panic and fear rational emotions? To those of us that experience them, these emotions are more than real. They are rational. These two words are not only a part of us, fear and panic are us.

In my case, I now believe I have lived with these two little words most of my life. In my younger days I was brave and could conquer the world. I did. I was scared shitless every day. That's why I drank. Liquid courage. If I consumed enough, the panic I felt when I talked to a girl was a direct result of the fear of talking to that girl.  If I didn't consume, I didn't talk.  Made for some interesting conversations over the course of my life. 

I always worried about not being included and noticed by my peers. I took part in the conversations but never had much to contribute. It took me too long to put ideas together to impact the think tank. By the time I spoke the rest of the group was always two topics away from mine. Plus, I usually had really weird ideas. Eventually, I developed a fear of speaking.

I don't debate or handle confrontation well. I tried to call in sick from school once, when I knew I had to debate a topic that I knew nothing about. I was panicking over this event and panic led to outright fear. Whenever I knew a confrontation was coming I acted tough. Truth be known, I was shaking in my sneakers. I was afraid of the upcoming situation and panicked to the point of playing out the scenario over and over, figuring out what to say. It never worked. I was taken advantage of over and over.

Panic and fear are present in all aspects of our lives. Fear and panic seems to have ruled my life.  I intend to break past this debilitating trait of mine. These two words have controlled me. I made it farther in life than I should have. I refuse to let fear and panic control me any longer. I refuse to succumb to a life of misery because of fear and panic.