Diary of a Big Dummy

The days are getting longer. Soon the snow will melt. Spring green up will be in full swing and welcome after a long hard winter. Kitty is still taking a break, we are talking and have visited. That's a positive!

The Coronavirus Social Distancing experiment is in full force, even in Alaska. Our little village is no exception. It's a ghost town. The gas station and the liquor store are open. They are essential. There is very little traffic. The senior center is closed. You can still get lunch but now have to call ahead and drive up for curb service. Meals on wheels is still rolling too. It's great they have been able to do this.

So, what am I doing with my time now? A lot of pacing. I am a bundle of nervous energy with a dog that is very bored. He's sleeping on his couch now. We still go to the campground every day. I try and make several trips. We may not be in the trailer anymore but we're still caretakers. Besides, Norm gets to run. He still takes his job as head of security seriously. We can walk the snow machine trail without falling through and the snow doesn't hurt my dead feet.

Besides this, I sit. I think, about my life in the past and all of the different events that have led me to this point of here and now.

It's a really hard thing to do but if I want to make myself better, it is a must.

I'm finding that I do not like looking in the mirror.

Forcing these memories to the surface in detail is an exhausting task. Analyzing these situations with what I have learned about my mental health is both difficult and frightening. I have good memories but by and large, I was my own worst enemy over the course of my life and my career.

I had just finished up my time with the aerial construction company. I'd been with them 10 years and I was burned out. I had turned myself into the go to guy out of sheer determination. I was still young in the industry, had energy, and was learning my trade well. We were working harder and longer trying to keep a failing company afloat. It is unfortunate but I left this company on bad terms. I should have handled the situation more diplomatically but I was tired and I snapped. I refused to see the company's position, only mine. I had no empathy for another crisis they were in. I was angry to be called on yet again. 

 Be careful working your way into the go to guy slot.

It is a double edged sword.

My drinking career was in full swing.

I was no longer needed.

I wanted a beer.

I hired on with a small but growing airplane repair center. They maintained privately owned piston airplanes but were trying to work into the business jet market. I had been a helicopter mechanic since my career started, I knew nothing about airplanes. The two are very different.

I was was ready for a new challenge, I was eager and ready to learn. I got my chance and had a good start. I learned the basics quickly and was moved into working on larger, more in depth projects. I tried. I worked my tail off. I was still one of the first ones to show in the mornings and last to leave at night. I kept up with the guys with more experience. My problem was that I never really understood airplanes. I didn't like them. I couldn't learn the systems fast enough. I never really gained confidence in myself at this company. I asked too many questions but couldn't make good decisions. I relied on others to think for me on processes I didn't understand. I had to be shown different techniques time after time. I even managed to start a fire underneath a twin engine airplane. In short, I was not a good airplane mechanic.

One of the mechanics there was a sharp guy. He knew aviation, he knew airplanes, project organization, and how to manage multiple large inspections and repairs. We were acquaintances. I didn't work with him often. I guess that at some point he saw my inadequacies. He started making off handed comments to me. There was no taking me under his wing and helping. It was always about survival of the fittest.

For the longest time, I didn't realize I was being looked down on. The type comments he made either went over my head or I didn't know how to respond. He worked his way through the ranks and different departments. He never stayed anywhere long, he continued to move up.

Eventually he became director of maintenance. He was the guy to run the entire maintenance department. He was the boss.

That's when the names began.

My new name was Big Dummy.

I started hearing it more often.

It was at that point he showed that he didn't like me.

I still didn't understand the social aspects of work.

I didn't realize I was that poor of a technician there.

What I did know was that I didn't like airplanes.

I worked hard but lost ground.

I wanted desperately to be working on helicopters again.

I heard Big Dummy several times over the next months without knowing how to respond.

I left another job.

I wanted a beer.

When I make my posts on social media, I notice that I receive sad faces.

If you have made it this far, please don't feel sad for me.

It has been a lifetime of events that have landed me in my situation.

I can't correct them.

The only thing I can do is look back and try to understand them.

I can try to learn how different actions and emotions

could have affected my life for the better.

For me, drudging up these memories is a good exercise

to learn who and what I am.
Besides, I get to see and show old pictures!

The ability to move to a new way of being

First requires a new way of thinking