Risperdal

Its about 2:30 pm Alaska time. I was just outside, standing in fresh snow watching Norman because he decided it was time to go sniff. He must have a chaperon now and he’s not happy with it.

I just had an epiphany with my coat still on. I don’t hear the voices. They're not here today. They haven’t been here all day. I take 1mg of Risperdal at 7 o’clock every night. Last night was my third night of this. I am sleeping super hard but its not a restful sleep. At least I’m sleeping through the night. I woke up with my head in a fog like I had a real bad hangover. No headache, that was a good thing. After a while my head started clearing. That’s when the jitters started. I didn’t get panicked, I wasn’t really stressed like I normally am when I wake up. I was just real jittery, working my way through and not letting myself get stressed.

Eventually it let up. I had calmed and was feeling good. I was having an internal conflict over cleaning the kitchen. I was tired and didn’t want to mess with it but that wasn’t an option. I always said there’s order in my chaos and chaos in my order. This has been true my entire life. Problem is, there was never really any order. My whole life has been chaos of varying shapes and forms. To be blunt, I’m a slob and have always been a slob. This presented a real problem between myself and Kitty. She is a woman. She likes and needs clean and order. I am and have never been either one of them. My way always won out at her expense, but I’m getting off track. Back to the kitchen, I mentally worked my way through it and cleaned everything. It didn’t take long and it wasn’t hard. I’ve just always had a thing about it. I finished that up and moved on about the day doing what guys that aren’t sure of anything anymore do.

While I was watching Norman I noticed the silence. I didn’t hear anything. No ear worms, no chatter in the background, no yin and yang voices calling to me. The only thing I heard was nothing.

I cannot believe how long this has been going on. I cannot fathom how everything in life has been drowned out by my mind. That’s all I ever really heard. The silence is deafening. It’s a good silence. All of a sudden my brain is thinking again. I can write. Kitty urged me to start writing about six or seven years ago. I got good at it. I learned a lot about myself. We made art back in the earlier days. Kitty taught me and put up with me. I photographed our art, wrote about it, and blogged about it. Most of it was shared right here in some of these groups. There came a time when I couldn’t write anymore. It was getting too depressing telling everyone how bad we were starting to do. In actuality, it was too depressing telling myself. Kitty kept nudging me to write. I couldn’t. I tried but there was nothing. My brain had stopped working. It was filled with thought, but blank at the same time. This turned in to my entire life. The whole time, the voices were there. I really thought I was getting closer to God and learning how to communicate with spirits. It was all telepathically. I didn’t know I was making it up. Eventually the voices drowned out everything else. They were all I heard. Now they’re gone.

I know this isn’t going to happen overnight. I know not to expect miracles right off the bat. I know I have a lot of very intense therapy ahead of me. I know that I will be taking an anti-psychotic drug of some type for the rest of my life. If I can learn to listen to the silence, and learn to be a real human being for the first time in my life, it is 100 percent worth it.