Emotion. What is it? The definition of this word is:

A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.

Okay, we have that. Now what does the definition mean? Happy, sad, angry, mad, serious, and melancholy are words to describe emotion. To me emotion is the outward expression of what a person feels on the inside. Basically, it is a response to stimuli that shows how we react to a given situation.

Does that make sense? Everybody has emotion. Great big smiles. Crying. Yelling (that one can be either happy, sad, or angry). We all show our emotions. Or do we? Spock didn't. Even though he was half human, the Vulcan side of him made sure to keep his emotions in check to keep him on an even keel.

As an autistic, the outward expression of emotion is a very difficult thing. I don't smile much. It doesn't mean that I'm not happy. The area of my brain that controls my emotions doesn't connect well to the mechanical body parts that show my feelings. When I was growing up, people always told me to smile more. I always responded that I was. To be honest, a big toothy smile is not a natural feeling for me. Raising the corners of my mouth and showing my teeth physically hurts the muscles around my mouth. Always has. I do smile, just not the way most people think that I should.

I've been told that I look sad. My apologies for not showing my outward self properly to fit into your world. It's not intentional. It's not you. It's me. Please, just let me be me without having to fill your expectations of me. I am sorry that I seem to be an odd duck, or loner, if you will. I never did fit into the big crowds. With small groups of people that I am comfortable around I will let my guard down and smile. Big groups...forget it. I always tried to fit in with these groups growing up. It never worked. I always ended up being that kid that stood on the edge of the dance floor watching everybody else dance. I couldn't make small talk. I was self conscious. I thought I looked goofy dancing. Most important...I wasn't brave enough to talk to the girls.

Does any of this sound familiar? Have you ever had these issues? You don't quite fit in with your peers? Do you get the snickers and laughs behind your back? Guess what. You are not alone. There is an entire civilization of us that are just like you. Autism isn't a disease. It's a state of mind. I know what you are going through because I went through it too. The times may change. The issues may be different. The faces are younger all the time, but I would be willing to bet every person that lives on the spectrum...young and old, male or female, have gone through this oddity at one time or another.

I said earlier that I always tried to fit in when I was younger but it never worked. I showed the wrong emotions at the worst times and was ridiculed. Finally, I learned how to control the outward appearance and turned into a freaky version of Spock. Yeah, believe it or not, it happened. I was miserable inside because of it. I even got to the point where I nearly took my life several years ago.

Would you like to know what changed with me? I'm going to tell you anyway. I finally learned to stop worrying what others thought of me. It was a hard adjustment. My emotions still come out at the wrong time or situation, but not as much as they used to. The best part about not worrying about the others is that I am now happy with me. I still have all my autistic issues, oddities, quirks, and problems but that is okay. My self-esteem is much higher that ever before and I enjoy being me now. I'm not trying to prove myself to anyone these days. I am what I am. If people don't like it...tough. Most people like me now. It's kind of cool to be a geek these days.

I don't know your exact issues or the extent of your autism but I bet that I have rung a bell or two with some of you. I'll tell you this before I finish rambling. Be happy with yourself. When you are good to you, the emotions will come. They won't feel natural at first but after a while you won't be worrying about trying to fit in. You just will. The emotions will show the real you!

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