Autism and Me

Life is, will be, and has always been full of challenges. This is what life is about. Not just for autistics, but for everyone. As I have said before, I am a high functioning autistic or aspie. This is short for Asperger's Syndrome. Autism and Asperger's are actually two separate diagnoses. They are all lumped intoI the same category which is Autism Spectrum Disorder.

As I was saying, life is a challenge. I have poor interpersonal skills. Am I never could figure out until recently why I never made friends or why I couldn't keep the friends I had made. For one, I appear to be very clingy to people. I over-explain everything. When asked a question, I go so far above and beyond the answer required that people lose interest and tend to walk off from me. When I get frustrated or if I am concentrating on the task at hand, my speech out of my mouth doesn't match the thoughts being transferred from my brain. I can sound very agitated to others, kind of like I'm angry all the time. Most of the time I'm not...speech just comes out that way.

Body language is another big issue. I am normally not unhappy but do not smile much. It is not a natural action for me. I remember when I was young, my mother always telling me to smile. My answer was always “I am.” I cannot play poker. If I have a good hand, I will telegraph it a mile. If I am upset, even though I don't realize I'm doing it, I will stomp around in a huff. People then get out of my way in a hurry. I was one of those kids in school that had meltdowns and was always mad. I have figured out the reason for that. It is due to the connection between thought and speech. As I said, when frustrated, speech doesn't match though for me. I will have so many different thoughts spinning around in my brain that I can't get any of them out. That's when the agitation and anger then start. I still have this problem, but nowhere near the enormity of the problem as when I was young.

I don't do well in large group settings. I used to go to all the parties and try to fit in. Even though the room would be full and everyone talking to everyone, I was always the guy off in the corner just sitting there. The only way for me to get involved was with liquid courage. That became a major problem for many years. In two days I celebrate 12 years of sobriety. Best thing I ever did for me!

I tend to parrot people when they say something I like or agree with. I believe this is called echolalia. I will repeat the statement or idea over and over for hours as if it were mine. Yep, people don't care for that when you steal their lines.

Eye contact is another big issue. When you can't look someone in the eye when talking to them it's a turn off. Guys do not respect you and girls think you are a pervert. Yep, my eyes avert down. It's not intentional, that's just the way it is. I don't mean to do it but I have gotten some good views at times. What can I say? I'm still a guy.

These things and more are challenges I face with live as an autistic. I appear totally normal to people until they get to know me. Then the idiosyncrasies show themselves. At least now that I'm older and hopefully a bit wiser I know about these issues of mine thanks to Kitty. When I was young and starting to grow, I just thought I was crazy. I knew I was different but the older I got the more pronounced everything became. Is it a problem. Yes and no. Yes for all of the reasons above. No because I have finally learned that I am who I am. The last several years, I have really become happier with my life for the first time in my life.

I am who I am and I know who I am.

I'm me!

One of my hopes when I started this blog was that maybe, someone on the spectrum would see this and realize they too can do whatever they set their mind to despite the different social and brain challenges we face. Feel free to comment, I'd love to hear from you!